and the darkness consumes me

mhija @ 2006-05-25T20:51:00

2006-05-26T01:54:02Z

problem: i'm bored.
solution: i need a job.
problem: i am apprently unemployable, even after then 10-15 resumes i have sent out and the applications i have filled out for jobs that i am over qualified for.
solution:??????????????

all i want is something more to do then watch TV 12 hours a day.

i drove the ten hours

2006-05-24T07:36:18Z

i am sitting here in michigan typing this. more specifically i am sitting on my bed in my undies. i made the drive home today admist tears of frustration about money and married. on this drive i realized that life is just that frustrating, there are the moments when time elapses and you are happy or you forget the hardship. like when you are dirving down i-70 listening to the nelson twins "i can't live without your love and affection, i can't face another night on my own" (for a reminder of their music), who couldn't have fun, then you almost get hit by a semi and are back in reality. i guess what i am trying to say is that a fight is a fight and money is money nothing is worth more then happiness. deep down i am happy but all these other bullshit things are in my way and need to move it or i might cut them. i am happy to be home but i am missing my home in missouri, all will be well. now if i could just get a job i would be set. that is it for now.

not a plea

2006-04-17T17:17:33Z

i just have to say that i have just spent about twenty mintues looking at my friends lovely photos on myspace and suddenly realized that i want to be that, lovely. i never seem to be able to take good pictures, to smile just right or to even have the cute little pout. i just thought i would tell my friends how lucky they are to be able to convey their atractiveness through photos.

akward!

2006-04-17T05:05:25Z

so i am sitting in the kitchen of my apartment on family night. this is a night were all my friends get together and watch tv and get caught up on the week. i was jokingly asking for people to write my paper. they of course asked what it was about, i told them and my friend matt come over took my computer and began writing it for me. it sort of makes me feel like he thinks i can't do it myself. ummmm not sure what to do. i guess we will see. grrrrrr... it totally weirds me out enough that i don't want to be in the room with him right now.

have you been touched lately?

2006-04-16T18:00:40Z

i have and in a creeping kinda way. so i was at shattered for my normal night of fun dancing to 80's music. matt and kim were not there as promised. and these two guys come in around 11 who could probably be pimps, if i thought columbia had any. one was a tall and skinny black guy, dressed in a leisure suit with a big black feathered hat, yes feathered, and a cane. the other was a shorted, about 5'5, man who was either white and really tan or mexican, his name was sam, at least that is what he told me later in the evening. sam was dressed less loudly but still stupid, jeans, blues stripped long-sleeved button up shirt, white shoes and a white baseball cap with the brim flat, like the kids do now-a-days, titled to the side. at first they were harmless and an easy target for jokes and then enters stephens college freshman who got drunk before they left the dorm, or in reality at sapphire lounge. these girls are sorta friends of mine, they are some of the cooler freshman we have and i like them. these two colorful characters come up to them a total of 3 times are are denied whatever they are asking about. the girls are too shy to say anything to the bouncers but i'm not. so i tell nathan and keller what is happening. they tell me to come straight to them next time so they can kick them out. about an hour passes and nothing happens, i am pleased by this, the pimps took the hint, or so i thought. so any of you who have been to shattered in the summer know, it gets pretty hot and you need water that is pretty cold. the nice workers of shattered provide this for us in a cooler near the front door, i head for the water. the two guys are standing at the bar and see me walking towards them, the black guy steps in front of me and sam is on my right side. the conversation goes pretty much as follows:

black: where is your boyfriend?
me: what?
black: where is your boyfriend?
me: he is the manger of eastside tavern.
black: is he here?
me: no, he is at work ( in my head duh!)
black: what decade are you dressed from?
me: the fifties "( i am wearing my black and white polka dotted pencil skirt and a white,short-sleeved button up shirt with black lace on the collar, and black flat mary-jane's)
black: you pull it off well
me: thanks
::keep in mind kids, i get nervous when i am corner so i am giggling a lot::
sam: hi my name is sam (shakes my hand)
me: hi, nice to meet you
sam: you qualify to satisfy ( as he says this he takes his hand and runs his index and middle finger up and down my right thigh and then place is on my hip)
me:: giggle

there is a stop in the conversation and i turn around, without getting my water, and go straight to keller and nathan and recount this tale. the pimps are removed from the premises. sam was cool with it the black guy was not, but either way they were gone. as the night goes on some girl, who is drunk, grinds on me. after that i left to walk back to eastside. i was terrified but clearly i made it. on my walk a red mustang was following me with some frat boy douche-bag honking and yelling. long night. i only have a few comments about this to make:
1. i felt disgusted but these men
2. i felt dirty
3. i wanted to cry
4. where in the world to people get the right to talk to me like that?
5. were in the world to people get the right to touch me like that?
6. finally, i still feel kind of dirty.

thanks for listening...

a letter from the guy

2005-12-05T07:04:00Z

good evening live journal frequenters:

greetings from the office/bedroom of one big pants. as i write this, an angel who has taken over my life (i gave no fight, by the way), is beckoning me to turn out the lights and drift into the embrace that sleep offers (note to self: that was waaaaay poetic).
i update you, Audrey-fans, and tell you that all is well in her world. she is happy, and looks to stay that way. she also looks forward to hearing from you.

end transmission.
p.

mhija @ 2005-11-23T20:17:00

2005-11-24T02:19:52Z

For those of you who don't know already: I'm gettin' hitched. October 7th 2006. The guy is one many of you know from around town, Big Pants aka Josh, from Eastside Tavern. So yeah there you go.

audrey

mhija @ 2005-11-15T15:40:00

2005-11-15T21:47:50Z

This is a story of a girl who had forgotten how to be happy, and the story of the boy who made her remember. One pretty november day this girl was getting a new peice of artwork. On a break from this pain, the only true feeling she had felt in a long time, she saw this boy and something unfroze inside her. Over the next few beautiful november days she visited this boy. He invited her over one night for family night. She got along with his friends, she got along with him, and she made him smile. She made him feel real again, something he too had forgotten how to feel. Our girl went over the next night and the next. She was feeling new things all wonderous to her. Our girl is still at his house everynight, and spending every day with the boy. She goes to his work every chance she can get. This is were we must say to be continued our fair readers, but i will leave you with this... our girl is falling hard and fast, so give her your thoughts and your well wishes.

So that is what is going on with me.

mhija @ 2005-11-07T06:55:00

2005-11-07T12:56:54Z

mmmm i like a boy who for once isn't an asshole or crazy or evil, for what i can tell. I'm not gonna tell yet who it is but he makes me happy which is a rare happening these days. now i am going to bed. tha tis right bed i spent all night hanging out with boy.

mhija @ 2005-11-06T17:54:00

2005-11-06T23:58:01Z

well even though i was down i had a great birthday. i got a new tattoo it is bettie page, if you have access to my myspace page check it out there. i will get it resized to be posted on here. thatnks to all who helped me celebrate. kisses to all.

mhija @ 2005-11-01T19:09:00

2005-11-02T01:10:29Z

Once again words are evil. Bad day.... Birthday friday, don't want to do anything so don't ask. If i go to shattered on saturday to celebrate with my friends there it will be lucky. That's it.

mhija @ 2005-10-27T15:12:00

2005-10-27T20:15:01Z

so i am sitting in class and i am writing this because i am bored with media law. don't really know hwy i took this, i think it was because i thought it ouwl dbe easy, and it kinda is, i mean we ahve 3 tests and like a presentation. but whatever. i don't know if i said htis but we got hot water last night and it makes me happy to be able to take a hot shower. i don't think i will be doing anything saturday night because i don't feel like going out. but tonight i will be attending the fetish show at shattered, because i love them. anyone who wants to come along feel free to let me know. well i guess i will go back to prentending to pay attention. later kids.

mhija @ 2005-10-26T00:55:00

2005-10-26T05:56:21Z

thanks to squigybits for this quiz...i like it.

You fit in with:
Humanism

Your ideals mostly resemble that of a Humanist. Although you do not have a lot of faith, you are devoted to making this world better, in the short time that you have to live. Humanists do not generally believe in an afterlife, and therefore, are committed to making the world a better place for themselves and future generations.

0% scientific.
80% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

heat and cookies are good.

2005-10-26T05:42:50Z

yah for heat. i final got heat today after about a week without it, just before it is supposed warm up slightly but alas still no hot water. also yah for cookies, i think i baked about 4 or five dozen, if anyone ever wants sugar cookies that are cut outs i am now the master of them. as i am sitting on my couch in a tank top, cause heat rocks, i am watching hell boy and thinking wow those ugly demons look like kathulu...i can't spell that. ohhh also good news, don't know if i said this already i got my car. also i got my midterm back for my Mizzou class, which i hate, but i pulled a 24/25 so not to worried anymore about the course and the grade i will get. sorry to all of you for the dissapearance from shattered this weekend. grant pissed me off and i had a horrible week so it all piled up and i needed to go away and cry for a minute. this week appears that it might be better, but i need to get my shit in gear and start doing homework, cause i have blown if off all wee, all two days. oh well shit happens. hopefully we will have hot water soon, i'm gettin' to be a stinky kid. i love you matt and thank you for being there for me always. maybe if you have time sometime this week we could hang out. kisses to all. and stay warm...i know i finally will.

mhija @ 2005-10-19T17:00:00

2005-10-19T22:04:47Z

well today is going good. i get my car tonight, which makes me happy. my birthday is in two weeks. not much more to say. still haven't talked to grant, kinda down about that. but shit happens. maybe if he is at shattered saturday i will say something, probably will since i will be drunk. i'll let you guys know how that goes. well nothing much more for now. gonna take a nap.

mhija @ 2005-10-18T09:13:00

2005-10-18T14:16:59Z

so this morning is kind of better. wish i could just blow off classes today but i can't. i still feel as if words sucks and are out to get me. i do though understand the irony of useing owrds to express this. i got 15 pages written, no going to say that they are good but they are done. we were supposed to write a entire first draft meaning that the paper should have been like 20 pages but zylstra can bite me. i am sitting in the children's school waiting to see if my class is over here today or in the library. i missed it last week and feel stupid about e-mailing the teacher to see where it is. i will figure it out sooner or later. well that is all for now.

death to all words

2005-10-17T23:30:22Z

so the time has come for me to cry over nothing but words typed on a screen, not even printed yet but just glowing there taunting me in a way that says you are a failure and you will never get this done. god i am so depressed i don't know what to do with myself. School is making me feel more stupid and more vunerable then ever before. All this stress blows everything else out of proportion. i can't help but feel small, stupid and helpless. And then there is the fact that i have to support myself in all this, i have no-one around who can be my stable reality. the one person who should be makes me crazy and the person who i would want to be...well we all know how that goes. now i must go back to those glowing taunting words.

mhija @ 2005-10-16T13:57:00

2005-10-16T18:55:39Z

this only amuses me slightly.

tattoo

2005-09-21T17:14:59Z

Ok here is a picture of my tattoo.... hopefully...

or not. i can't fuigure out how to post pictures in the text box. so what i will do is add it to my pictures. if it is too small you may always see a bigger picture at: http://www.myspace.com/wish_me_monsters

ug

2005-09-21T02:54:13Z

It once again has been a long time. school has started and it is evil. i want to be done and never have to think again. ok that is wrong but this senior essay class is gonna kick my ass and i need a fabulous grade in it. i finally picked my topic and it is " Is the devolution of congressional powers to the state inconstitutional, in tribal matters?" and the answer is yes. but my professor wants me to address the so what facter. like why should be care if the tribes haven't done anything to contest it. you know what are the effects of this, why is it bad. And i can't really figure out and answer for that, people say it is wrong but they don't really give a reason why. i don't know. shattered has been intresting the past couple of weekends. ummmm i got a new tattoo, i'll post a picture if you haven't yet seen it. not much else is going on. i'm stressed out and my allergies are killing me, for awhile i was sick with a cold, but i am better now. there was something else that i was gonna say..... oh yeah the moter on my ac in the bedroom of my apartment caught on fire and burnt out the other day. instead of getting it fixed they opened the window in my bedroom and then it rained all day long while i was at work. not knowing that my window was open i couldn't tell anyone to come up and close it. so i get home and my floor is wet, and still is. i went and complained to paulina and she called facilities and they said oh yeah we ordered a part. so eventually it will be fixed and hopefully it won't get to hot. half of my apartment is cold and have is warm. it is an intresting hapstance. ok well i am gonna watch the new miami inked.

woohoo

2005-08-11T05:00:37Z

shawn's roomate said yes to the kitty. she is white and her name is henry. hehehe, anybody want anything from the powwow? i'll be dancing all weekend but i can try to get stuff if there are requests.

sigh

2005-08-10T13:24:47Z

well for those who know me you will think this is wrong....

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want.
And that's marriage - with the right person.
You're serious about settling down some time soon.
Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

so i am in indiana right now hanigng out with my parents gonna dance at powwow this weekend and get my new car on sunday. also might get a kitten but i would have to technically break my lease to get that. don't really know if i should but it would be a kitty...and i love kitties. also i am gonna try and convince shawn's roommate to let me keep my cat there. he is allergic, so am i, but he is being an asshole about haveing on in the house. so break the lease or threaten the roomate? you deside. see you guys next week when i get back to MO.

need some advice

2005-07-08T02:12:07Z

so as you can tell from my subject i need some advice. this new boy i am dating, who is fabulous, is going to florida in like 2 weeks. i orginally thought it would be with one of his guys friends but no it is with his most recent ex-girlfriend. i am not so sure how i feel about that. no i take that back i know how i feel and it isn't good. now should i bother with tell him that is kinda bothers me or just get over it. also qwill and ronnie suggested have a monogamy talk with him but i don't really feel we are at that point in our relationship. but i do feel that we are at a point were i can be kinda worried about that ex thing. maybe i am just blowing things out of proporstion (sp, sorry. but what do ya'll who read my journal and care think? also got a new phone woohoo. mother sent me the mac osx update and a blue ipod mini, woohoo. and school starts in 7 weeks which means i get my new care in 4 weeks. and yes i will be geeky and say i do miss school. mainly i miss the people and the converation. i don't know it has been a down day. went and saw howl's moving castle with qwill, shaun, and ronnie. it was good but not in the mood to be around people. kinda want to curl and cry. sigh...how i hate days like these.

amused by this

2005-07-06T17:43:28Z

mhija is poisonous! Induce vomitting if ingested.

N
POISON

From Go-Quiz.com

mmmmmm good sex

2005-07-06T07:26:50Z

so i am sitting here at a boys house after having really good sex, but as qwill pointed out to me earlier she has never heard me say i have had bad sex. but i have and it sucks. but this is one of the wal-mart kids that like none of you know but you might meet if things last that long..giggle. i guess him and i are dating, oh by the way his name is shawn and we oddly have some of the same quirks. but on to different news. new office assitant at stephens to take over shauns' place. i don't really like her but oh well shit happens. i'm gonna get a new phone tomorrow. i don't really know what else to write so i am going to go away now. love you all and keep in touch. oh and by the way shaun, meghan and i are going to go see Howl's Moving Castle at RagTag thursday around 4:30 if any of ya'll want to join. should be a good.
kisses.